Journaling

    It's been a very long time since I posted on this blog.  I'd like to promise to post often but my past actions don't seem to add up to be able to do that.  But I feel the need to write.  The need to contribute something.  

    You see a lot of people I know have been passing away lately.  My mother in 2016, my mother-in-law in 2020, my sister-in-law last year and now my grandmother.  This is one of those times in life when I've looked at all I've done and began to question if I've done what I meant to.  Now I don't mean gaining a fortune or anything.  Money is the last thing that matters to me.  I have learned that inheritance isn't everything to the person who received it.  It's the memories and the moments in life that leave hope and a way for someone to keep going in this difficult world.

    I remember my mom teaching me to be a strong woman. To never rely on a man and to do everything you can to help your family.  When I get to the time when I pass what will I leave behind?  What memories and lessons will my kids have from me.  How many people will I give hope to, so they don't give up?  That's what's important.

    Right now, I work fast food.  I'm tired when I come home and lately, I've been irritated.  Probably because of grief, or maybe I'm overwhelmed myself.  But I keep thinking who am I really helping by making cheeseburgers?  What is it going to matter in the future about my career?

I don't want to just pay bills I want to give hope.  I want to make a difference.

    So today I decided to write.  Because I'm sure I'm not the only one in the world who feels this way.  Maybe being a little honest with myself on this blog will help someone know they're not alone in this world and maybe something of my dreams will come true and I'll leave a little hope behind.

    My hope is for you to keep going.  Your dream in your heart is there to get you to the next destination in life and it's not for nothing.  Maybe you won't achieve what you thought, maybe in the end it will be something better and who you meet on the way will be worth the failures you make now.  Because this is a fallen messed up world and we get hope and encouragement by seeing those who fail not give up and, in the end, we see the journey was worth it.

God bless you all.  

April

Don't Hold It In

Holding in your feelings causes stress.  Not only that but ignoring what you feel doesn't change anything.  I've been reading a lot lately, nothing good, just novels.  They are my quick fix.  Like the addict getting a fix to remove the pain.  They take away the concerns of the day, or week.  Books help me ignore and not think about what is really bothering me.  Yet in the back of my mind it builds, and then I began to wonder why I feel bad.  Why my head hurts, why even though I sleep I don't feel rested?  Then I break usually I end up praying in words I can't say in English.  Often referred to as tongues in the bible.  But still I'm at a point where the day to day life of figuring out how to deal with situations is ti

Who to Cry to?

I've been under a lot of stress lately.  I guess it's expected when you go from a life planned of graduating with a degree getting a job and having a family, to finding out the man you married is a monster, your mother passes and you're suddenly a single mother.
I have ways to cope.  We've been going to therapy and I read.  I haven't found friends though, good friends I can escape with lately.  If mom was alive I'd call her and poor out everything.  She'd know what it is like to be a single mom.  She'd know what it's like being a woman and I could tell her things without fear of judgement.
I guess the stress is getting to me cause I had a dream where the theme is who do I cry out to now?  I kept crying for mom, but knowing mom isn't there anymore.  I should cry out to God.  I should be a peace leaning on Him, but I haven't been, crying out to Him.
I have this thing where I feel He'll expect change and I'm afraid to make changes when I don't even know what I want in life.
I'm afraid I'll mess up my kids, afraid I don't deserve them cause I didn't get what was occuring earlier.  I'm afraid I won't have a good job soon to support them.  Basically normal fears when you are caring for someone.
I'm tired but I know eventually it will be ok, why else would God give me kids, why else would I care.  There has to be a reason and soon I'll have faith that crying out to God and resting in Him will make everything ok and my fears will be for nothing.  I hope so.

Have A Hobby

Writing should be fun, It's my hobby the way I release my desires, a way to do what I want.  In writing I can be whatever I want whoever I want.  Life has hard times, times I feel there is no way to control it, but writing is my release.
It's important for everyone to find their thing.  For my uncle it was gardening, my sons it gaming.  Finding your thing is a way to release stress.
When I write I never seem to finish my book, never make it to my goal of becoming a published author.  I haven't found my place.  Many writers have their escape place.  My house is so crowded with kids no room for me to go and hide at.  And there is always someone here because two of my kids are home schooled.  But I am not giving up.  I will write, I will get organized and soon I will finish my dream of being a writer.  Till then I am at least a blogger.  Good luck world.

Self Discovery

I hang from a vine long and twisting darkness surrounds me as my eyes looks towards the small circle of light above that promises a hint of escape, but I’m so tired.  Everything is weighing down on my spirit like a viper sucking out the strength and life within.  An arm reaches out to me from above hand outstreached and covered in white.  I know whose arm it is, I know He is the answer and solution to save me from this darkness, but I know there are things that will have to change if I take hold of His hand.  Change takes work and I am so very tired.  I feel as though I’ve been working for a very long time.  Working to maintain a semblance of peace around a man who I haven’t loved for a long time, working to figure out how to provide for my kids.  So I let go.  Darkness swallows me and my weak pale suffering form falls momentarily and it’s freeing.  What happens next, I’m not sure.  This is the journey I take because I’m tired, I’m weak and I want to learn what makes me happy again.

Do you ever just feel you don't know what's wrong with you, life with all it's busy demands draws you to all it's expectations.  Do the right thing, figure out this problem, etc.  Now I know my alagrory above mirrors a person rejecting Jesus, (the arm in white reaching to help), I am not going to reject Jesus, but I may be too tired at times to do everything right.  I haven't been feeding my spirit, haven't been supporting myself in the right way.  But I have hope that in the end I will get out of the darkness and I do know Christ is the ultimate way to survive all this and to come out as someone even stronger.

Drastic Changes

Life can suck.  It is going and then suddenly it changes.  Although I can't say I liked it before it drastically changed.  I had a husband who drank and sat before facebook and I had my kids who ran around being kids.  I was depressed.  Then secrets came out and the husband is gone my eldest is getting therapy and so are all of us.  Life can change suddenly.
If you find yourself in a drastic change, look at it as an opportunity.  I am learning how much of a domestic violence relationship I was in.  Maybe not physically, for me, but emotionally.  It wasn't good not for me, not for my kids, and it certainly wasn't good for my two oldest kids the biggest victims in all this,
Domestic violence is all about power and control, this is what I am learning.  I'm so sick of control that even my faith is being tested.  Maybe not the fact of my belief in God nor His blood covering my sins, but where I stand with him.  This is a journey, I warn you now things I write will not allways be the Christian mindset.  I am not walking the biblical walk after Christ.  I'm at a point where I am tired of rules, tired of confinement where even God's values feel's like work.  Logically I know none of that is true, but my spirit and heart are so damaged and wounded that I am fighting against what I've been brought up to know is right.
Here I am a mother of five, wanting to discover who I am again, I spent a marrige of fifteen years being slowly molded where my desires where ignored and I was quiet but at times not.  I am going to take this journey to discover myself, share things I learn and I pray if anyone out there suffers from any form of abuse get help!  It's not your fault.  If you don't it contiues the cycle.
My husband wasn't who he was at then end when I met him, wounds if not teated can turn you into a monster.  Therapy and aknowlegement of what happened helps.  Recovery is a life time journey, but it can happen.
Anyways on that note do something that makes you feel good too, read a book, drink coffe (those are mine) eat cake.  Yes just like Marie Antonette, Let them eat cake.  Take the steps on your journey as you learn about mine.
God is with you.